The horizon is empty of the beautiful pine trees that the neighbor decided to cut down. I wish they were still standing, so that I could admire their beauty as I always used to do. Though they are no more, I’m happy to have enjoyed their presence for the past two years since we’ve been in this home. Perhaps emptiness of the horizon will soon be forgotten as memories fade and new memories are created with life’s progression.
This morning I did something I always wanted to do. What I always wanted to do was to wake up at dawn and write and enjoy the view from my lounge. This is exactly what I am doing right now and it feels comforting and calmly delightful. Yesterday I had a moment of realisation. I realised that if I never give myself the time I need to do the things that I ‘always wanted to do’; then continuing such a life would be useless. For the longest time, I’ve felt as if I’m ‘trapped’...and I used to think that ‘life’ had trapped me. Lately I’ve been thinking and decided that life has not trapped me...I had decided to trap and squeeze myself into a life I thought I ‘had’ to live for a never ending list of reasons I could never quite justify. As a result of this, I was forever dissatisfied and almost always woke up in the morning exhausted and depressed about having to face another day. There was this feeling of never being ready to face what will be next. This un-readiness, I thought was due to not having time like now to pick and choose what I really want to do.
Day is slowly breaking and the horizon is beginning to blush with the faintest shade of pink. I’m so glad that I made the effort to wake up at 5am, although it was extremely difficult for me. I think some type of sacrifice is necessary if I’m to give myself the gift of quiet time. Come to think of it, how we live is a choice. I suppose, realising this and not feeling as if an unforeseen force is controlling your life is what we need to create the life we need. Also, lately I am conscious of the words I keep telling myself such as ‘I have to...’ and ‘I should...’.These ‘shoulds’ and ‘have-tos’ have a terrible affect on me. Hence, I deliberately have started thinking that I do not ‘have’ to do anything. Life is a choice. Everything I do I will choose to do. Let us see how I proceed with my new philosophy. Of course, I may stumble by the time I get to lunch time today and familiar adrenalin will start coursing through my blood as usual. I will feel panicked and helpless. BUT, I will remember this little gift I gave myself today and remind myself again that ‘life is a choice’.
