Unsettled

A feeling of anxiety washes over me. There are butterflies in my stomach and I feel fuzzy around the edges. Focus is scattered when it is most critical that I focus on the tasks at hand. The uncertainty of the future seems formidable and it feels as though the path I must walk is only mine. No one can accompany me; I will be alone to face whatever life will throw as obstacles in my direction. The decision to be made scares me. It makes me rely on the unknown and my abilities (unknown to me). I’m like a blind person groping in the darkness and trying to sense whether it is safe to proceed in ‘this’ direction. At times like these, there is only ‘intuition’ I suppose…there is no safety blanket, no insurance policy if things go wrong, there is only self and the will. I hope I will find the courage to see clearly and most of all to believe.

Old things

There have been many attempts at writing some posts here. But each one, scribbled in haste or at times when my mind was not completely at peace stay in my make-do dog eared journal that used to be one of malli’s maths books with his scrawny hand writing on the front stating his name and the grade he was studying in. I kept it for its sentimental value. Yes, I like keeping old things. Everything from letters, gift cards, books, notes and emails that other people had sent me over the years. Till now, I have this gold coloured pen (with dried out ink) that my best friend at the time gave me as a parting gift in 1998. I happen to carry it around in my pencil case. I have no idea why. I just do. One of these days, I’m going to run out of space to keep things. But I don’t know how you can completely get rid of all your memories and the people that had been in your life. Detachment is something I should be working on this year. But every time I try I wonder whether I’m trying to be someone I’m not. But then again, life is an evolutionary process. I have a lot of evolving to be done.