There used to be a need to love – almost a frantic need. Then there was an even more anxious need to be loved. Now, there is very little of that and sometimes thoughts of being cold-hearted come up in the mind. Lately, life feels almost neutral with not too much excitement. There is a sense of being here and just observing what is going on without needing to play a role. It is easier to be detached. It is a relief to be detached even from the need to fix all that appears to be ‘wrong’ or grab hold of what is ‘fleeting’. There is the habit of judging each day to see if there was anything useful and valuable done. The mind is always looking for problems and pointing out areas of ‘lack’. It’s tempting to go along with the mind’s chatter but there is a certain resolve to not. It feels different to be this way for it was second nature to be always so attached to something – fantasies, ideas, people, dreams and things. For once it is quite clear that it does not matter what I do in this life. It truly does not matter because everything is just changing scenery that we call life. Since nothing at all matters, then perhaps what matters is to be free. 

Moment

Suddenly there was freedom. Looking at the world through the window of the car before getting out for work, I was paralysed by the aliveness of life for a moment - unspoilt by the chatter of the mind. The sky was a perfect blue with scattered clouds whispering of heavens. Birds sang of the glory of summer. The tree leaves danced ecstatic in the gentle breeze. In the distance, buses and cars went by as if in slow motion, one or two persons walked on by and there was spaciousness all around in the parking lot.  Memories of childhood arose, where the world was alive just like this and there were no stories inside my head.