Musings on a rainy day

I walked into the light rain as always forgetting to grab an umbrella. Even though the sky holds many clouds and the sun is hidden, I have feelings of hope today and the burdens in my heart feel lighter for now. I guess what we are constantly searching for is a true human connection and when it seems absent - life feels like a dark hole and hope feels like some abstract concept. What we forget is that, some of us are not as aware of this common need as those of us who constantly turn our awareness inwards in search of meaning, in search of purpose for being here. But on rare occasions we realise that our more worldly outward seeking loved ones do indeed try their best but they are at a loss when it comes to figuring out  how to create connections with us - and when this realisation hits, hope returns and feelings of compassion arises engulfing our differences. This leads to peace and love (aroha) - the sticky glue that holds all things together.

Everything will be alright in the end...

So I have been silent for some time now. Three months have passed by since the submission of my ME thesis. Now, looking back it feels like a dream and all very irrelevant. I don’t know why we let things overwhelm us unnecessarily when all things are merely things that pass away with time. I should have known that things would be okay in the end. I love that movie we watched some weeks ago in an unexplainable sort of way – “The best exotic Marigold hotel”. One of best quotes from that movie to me was this:

“Everything will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, then it’s not yet the end”.  I know it sounds clichéd, but it has a ring of truth to it. Perhaps I just like to believe it.

For me another phase or life has begun.  Everything feels different, yet the same.  More and more I’m dwelling into myself in the hope of finding myself. I haven’t been very vigorous or methodical about this but perhaps I need to be because I feel that I need to discover myself with some urgency. 

And so maybe I’ll start writing again...

Red Ink

Stares at me from the margins of black and white print that is supposed to makeup a dissertation as if by magic in only a matter of weeks; my heart sinks at the professor’s writing splashed in red ink - tormenting ‘corrections’, an endless sea of red annotations, exclamatory lines, circles and cursive writing that makes me squint and moan in despair.  Ah red ink, how you intimidate me...

Autumn Leaf

Fashioned of intricate dots of red and orange, with its leafy veins originating from a slender stem; a forlorn leaf once part of a looming tree lies on the ground. It beckons to be noticed, telling the story of autumn yielding to winter and of fresh beginnings yielding to uninvited endings- The cycle of life, as we know it.

Escaping from results and discussions

It’s too easy to procrastinate, to let my mind wonder over irrelevant nonsense; things I’d rather be doing than write this thesis. I’ve already spent one hour doing yoga practice and another hour and a half of cooking dinner and preparing food for tomorrow just to get away from the ‘results and discussion’ Chapter. Now I’m forced in front of the computer again....and what do I do?...Write a blog post!

Isn’t it interesting how we crave anything but what is right in front of us? How we want to run miles away from our reality to some other dimension? I’m constantly doing this and it’s ever so hard to do what I need to be doing. Especially the more urgent the tasks become the more distracted I become! My mind has a mind of its own. :( or maybe I have exceptionally poor will power. Or maybe I'm in the wrong profession. Or a combination of all of these.Whatever the case, I'm in a dire situation.

Gut feelings

A bright and crispy autumn day has turned into a day filled with rain and gloom within a matter of hours and back again. There are things to be done, ever urgent and important. But somehow my mind seems to be refusing to corporate. I sense that I need to be enjoying this moment because right now whatever I do will be a waste of time. There have been plenty of times in the recent past that I decided to neglect these gut feelings and just keep on doing whatever it is I felt I had to be doing. I thought I was moving forward, getting things done to achieve goals I had set for myself. Instead I was moving backwards as one thing after the other kept on going wrong. This happened too many times that I passionately started to believe that I’m being punished and was angry-disbelief as to why all is happening to me at this critical time. I wanted to quit and one afternoon I just left work, telling my workmates (half joking, half seriously) that I’m never coming back. 

I went home that afternoon, cooked a hearty meal, spent time with my pets running around the house and watched an old Hindi movie with SJ crying as always as the plot developed into some romantic-tragedy.  It seemed that, that was what I needed – merely to be human. 

It seems we try so hard to get things done, to achieve certain things that we THINK we have to achieve. All of this for what, I wonder? Right now I don’t have an answer to that question, other than that we are scared of what might happen if we do things any different. Instead of trying to find the answer, I’ve decided to accept whatever comes my way without judgment. The only thing I will ask of myself is to try my best and not try to anticipate or control the outcome. And most of all, I want to learn how to see something as-is and not label anything as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Wouldn’t it be great to not have to think that every single thing that happened on a given day was ‘bad’ as opposed to ‘things that just happened’ cause that is the way life works? 

It is as if I was taught a lesson or two by some invisible force. Perhaps I was heading straight to some kind of mental breakdown with the incredible stress I’ve been experiencing (predominantly self created). But luckily I’ve had some good fortune to be differed back to a more balanced path.  It all came down to listening to my instincts and listening to those who cared about my well-being. As a result I’m feeling so much more ‘betterer’ (as my friend D would say). :)

Little things that matter to me (#1)

Last day of experiments!!!! Yaaay!

Bella sharing my seat while I'm trying work on my thesis

Came across this gift I got for SJ many years ago. The engraving says "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be".

A double rainbow in the sky when I looked out the window from my spot in the library today.

Content

Tonight the heartaches have subsided. The headaches are no more. The usual anxieties are not as obvious. Perhaps it's this overwhelming tiredness I feel. It's as if my senses are numb except completely absorbed in my music. Times like these are nice in a weird way. Somehow this moment is perfect, for i feel as if i have surrendered. For now all my yearnings have fallen away unasked. I feel content just being.

Building castles in the air..

This weekend I day dreamed a lot. During our many kilometers of driving through many a farmlands, lush green forests, roads lined with wild flowers... I dreamt of a having a little cottage to live in, on top of a small hilltop over looking acres of greenery dotted with sheep. I figured out the exact areas I'd love to live in, we'd be close to a nearby village and preferably have a white picket fence lined with overgrown wildflowers: those white and yellow ones. In this scenario we'd be having alternative employment, those which let us work from home and have no need to commute to the big city on a daily basis. We"d also have a wide selection of animals as pets... and our own patch of vegetables for sustainable living. I suppose I could go on adding more and more details but I suppose I should retrieve my head from the clouds and plant my feet firmly on the ground now. It's Monday tomorrow. Real life awaits..:)

The Kindest Words

Anyone ever said to me is hand written on the first page of the book by Oprah Winfrey – ‘Words that matter’, a book that was gifted to me by an aunt, one of the most amazing women I have met in my life. These words are those that I go to when my days are filled with darkness and I am lost even to myself.

Darling H,

To me, you are a woman of substance. I acknowledge your greatness. I genuinely admire you and have deep respect for you.

Will always love you!

J Nandi

(Nov 2011)

These words deeply touch me and every time I read them, I am moved close to tears for I know that in someone’s eyes I am enough...

Note to self : Live like I mean it!

I wish I could think of something profound to write on this very first day of this brand new year. But my mind is blank and my thoughts scatter like blobs of mercury spilled on a concrete floor..I feel tired, yet relaxed. Indifferent, yet full of emotion..a myriad of feelings jumbled in my head. But tonight, for now i am only aware of the gentle patter of rain outside and the cool breeze that is blowing through my window. Somehow it doesn't matter what this year would bring. I just want to LIVE each day of my life instead of waiting for life to begin.