Arguing with reality

There I go again -arguing with reality. Why does it feel like I’m living someone else’s life? Why does it feel like I’m seeing myself living my life on a tv screen? And I don’t even particularly like this movie I’m watching. Reminds me of the Game of Thrones episode last night – the endless battles, the killing, the tension, the heartbreak, I was watching it; yet I didn’t want to.  What is with this life that makes you want to watch a movie that you don’t like but you watch it because you keep hoping for a better ending? Why can’t we just write a freaking new movie? What is stopping us? Is it fear? Fear of what? Fear of rocking the boat – destroying your version of reality even though it tastes bad?

I guess it must be that. Then there is the righteous fool inside of me that wants to make everything ‘right’ in a world full of ‘wrong’. The fool in me that wants to see that the wrong is in my perception and that life is as it is. Why does this fool sound so true that I want to believe it? Even worse, why do I know that it is true? I guess the problem is I’m at war with myself. The little me and the truer me. The little me had this idea of what life should turn out to be. Then it didn’t and the little me got really depressed and really angry. But the true me knows that however life turned out was just fine. In fact, it’s even rather pleasant and gives us (both of me) great joy sometimes but for the little me it is just not enough. Nothing is ever enough and no one is ever enough. Basically this means for the little me, I am never enough. Yup. That’s it. There it is - The Truth. How liberating it feels to see it exposed like that.

See how messed up this mind is?

My heart just laughs – I feel it just laughing away and I know my mind has run away from my heart where it belongs. Thank god for these feelings – the feelings that are more than just the ‘story’ of my mind. These feelings I know are my truth and they bring me back to my heart where I find ‘wholeness’.  Here in my heart, my divided self finds peace and my ‘perceived reality’ is just fine with all its heart aches and bitter tastes. Here in my heart I feel love – space – silence - that is all encompassing.  For this moment, I am sane.  I am love.

There used to be a need to love – almost a frantic need. Then there was an even more anxious need to be loved. Now, there is very little of that and sometimes thoughts of being cold-hearted come up in the mind. Lately, life feels almost neutral with not too much excitement. There is a sense of being here and just observing what is going on without needing to play a role. It is easier to be detached. It is a relief to be detached even from the need to fix all that appears to be ‘wrong’ or grab hold of what is ‘fleeting’. There is the habit of judging each day to see if there was anything useful and valuable done. The mind is always looking for problems and pointing out areas of ‘lack’. It’s tempting to go along with the mind’s chatter but there is a certain resolve to not. It feels different to be this way for it was second nature to be always so attached to something – fantasies, ideas, people, dreams and things. For once it is quite clear that it does not matter what I do in this life. It truly does not matter because everything is just changing scenery that we call life. Since nothing at all matters, then perhaps what matters is to be free. 

Moment

Suddenly there was freedom. Looking at the world through the window of the car before getting out for work, I was paralysed by the aliveness of life for a moment - unspoilt by the chatter of the mind. The sky was a perfect blue with scattered clouds whispering of heavens. Birds sang of the glory of summer. The tree leaves danced ecstatic in the gentle breeze. In the distance, buses and cars went by as if in slow motion, one or two persons walked on by and there was spaciousness all around in the parking lot.  Memories of childhood arose, where the world was alive just like this and there were no stories inside my head.