There I go again -arguing with reality. Why does it feel
like I’m living someone else’s life? Why does it feel like I’m seeing myself
living my life on a tv screen? And I don’t even particularly like this movie I’m
watching. Reminds me of the Game of Thrones episode last night – the endless
battles, the killing, the tension, the heartbreak, I was watching it; yet I
didn’t want to. What is with this life
that makes you want to watch a movie that you don’t like but you watch it because
you keep hoping for a better ending? Why can’t we just write a freaking new
movie? What is stopping us? Is it fear? Fear of what? Fear of rocking the boat –
destroying your version of reality even though it tastes bad?
I guess it must be that. Then there is the righteous fool
inside of me that wants to make everything ‘right’ in a world full of ‘wrong’. The
fool in me that wants to see that the wrong is in my perception and that life is as it is. Why does this fool sound
so true that I want to believe it? Even worse, why do I know that it is true? I
guess the problem is I’m at war with myself. The little me and the truer me. The
little me had this idea of what life should turn out to be. Then it didn’t and
the little me got really depressed and really angry. But the true me knows that
however life turned out was just fine. In fact, it’s even rather pleasant and
gives us (both of me) great joy sometimes but for the little me it is just not
enough. Nothing is ever enough and no one is ever enough. Basically this means
for the little me, I am never enough. Yup. That’s it. There it is - The Truth.
How liberating it feels to see it exposed like that.
See how messed up this mind is?
My heart just laughs – I feel it just laughing away and I
know my mind has run away from my heart where it belongs. Thank god for these
feelings – the feelings that are more than just the ‘story’ of my mind. These
feelings I know are my truth and they bring me back to my heart where I find ‘wholeness’.
Here in my heart, my divided self finds
peace and my ‘perceived reality’ is just fine with all its heart aches and
bitter tastes. Here in my heart I feel love – space – silence - that is all
encompassing. For this moment, I am
sane. I am love.
