Life..

To me feels like a series of days that you fall apart, followed by a serious of days that you slowly learn to pick up the pieces and get used to the aches and pains, until one day you suddenly feel whole again. Then no sooner than you get used to this ‘wholeness’ which lasts a mere a day or two, you find yourself shattered all over again.

To love is to lose

Just now Denzel was stretching out on the carpet and looking back at me in mid-stretch.

That was the exact way Wolfie used to be in a picture of him we had. Every time when thoughts of Wolfie cross my mind, I’m awash with sadness and longing. I wonder where he is now..I wonder whether he managed to stay united with little blue eyed Molly. I hope no one separated them. Memories of those two little kittens who once resided in our garage pierce my heart now and then. I wonder whether they have a loving home to live in. I hope with all my might that they do. I wonder what the new owners must be calling them. One of my favourite sayings goes on to say something like this..”You will never forget how someone made you feel...” I believe that is true.

It is raining again. I was surprised to see sunlight flood our bedroom as I was waking up. I was hoping that the storm had maybe passed despite the weather report. But I’m afraid, it hasn’t. I still miss the pine trees that the neighbour had in his garden that I used to look at while I wrote. One more piece of evidence that supports the theory of “You will never forget how they (person, animal, tree or thing) made you feel”. I guess what we miss in the end are the feelings that were generated. 

My Happy Place #1

These are my attempts to capture (with my little phone-camera) the beauty of a secluded beach that I am determined to revisit over and over again. As I find myself struggling with words, I shall let these pictures describe themselves.

A visit to the past

At last I can hear the silence, the gaps between my thoughts; at last I can  hear my pulse and the incongruent roar of a lawn mower in the distance.  The past few weeks had been a chaotic blur, an eventful holiday that I involuntarily participated in. The best part was visiting Wellington after thirteen years and falling in love with the mountains, once again. Hutt Valley is a beautiful place, each time one looked out of a window of a house or a car, the blue green mountains smiled back at you. The mountains offer a sense of protection or ‘sheltered-ness’ that I cannot explain. Living in a valley is such I suppose. Then there was the raging wind, the blue spotless skies, the Hutt River that flowed across town and a feeling of déjà vu, wherever we went. A lot of things had changed. I could not find the house we lived in as it had been demolished. But the street was more or less the same only made smaller by my grown up eyes. The school was painted a different colour and looked more modern. The library was nearly unrecognizable from the garden entrance we took, but I spotted the birdcage at the back.  I wonder what life would be today if we continued to live there for the past thirteen years. I suppose I would not be who I am today. Who knows whether that’s good or bad?

At 5.30am

The horizon is empty of the beautiful pine trees that the neighbor decided to cut down. I wish they were still standing, so that I could admire their beauty as I always used to do. Though they are no more, I’m happy to have enjoyed their presence for the past two years since we’ve been in this home. Perhaps emptiness of the horizon will soon be forgotten as memories fade and new memories are created with life’s progression.

This morning I did something I always wanted to do. What I always wanted to do was to wake up at dawn and write and enjoy the view from my lounge. This is exactly what I am doing right now and it feels comforting and calmly delightful. Yesterday I had a moment of realisation. I realised that if I never give myself the time I need to do the things that I ‘always wanted to do’; then continuing such a life would be useless.  For the longest time, I’ve felt as if I’m ‘trapped’...and I used to think that ‘life’ had trapped me. Lately I’ve been thinking and decided that life has not trapped me...I had decided to trap and squeeze myself into a life I thought I ‘had’ to live for a never ending list of reasons I could never quite justify. As a result of this, I was forever dissatisfied and almost always woke up in the morning exhausted and depressed about having to face another day. There was this feeling of never being ready to face what will be next. This un-readiness, I thought was due to not having time like now to pick and choose what I really want to do.

Day is slowly breaking and the horizon is beginning to blush with the faintest shade of pink. I’m so glad that I made the effort to wake up at 5am, although it was extremely difficult for me. I think some type of sacrifice is necessary if I’m to give myself the gift of quiet time.  Come to think of it, how we live is a choice. I suppose, realising this and not feeling as if an unforeseen force is controlling your life is what we need to create the life we need. Also, lately I am conscious of the words I keep telling myself such as ‘I have to...’ and ‘I should...’.These ‘shoulds’ and ‘have-tos’ have a terrible affect on me. Hence, I deliberately have started thinking that I do not ‘have’ to do anything. Life is a choice. Everything I do I will choose to do. Let us see how I proceed with my new philosophy. Of course, I may stumble by the time I get to lunch time today and familiar adrenalin will start coursing through my blood as usual. I will feel panicked and helpless. BUT, I will remember this little gift I gave myself today and remind myself again that ‘life is a choice’.

The lost connection

Recent conversations with one or two friends have revealed that emotional connections are of great importance to us women. This realisation came to me as a bit of a relief as I thought I was a weirdo who seems to constantly go through life seeking for this non-existent ‘connection’. At last, I know it is normal but this does not mean that establishing or sustaining this connection becomes any easier. Though it appears that all humans need this deep sense of connection between each other, nowadays it tends to be purposely severed. Perhaps this is because of our modern culture, the independent-ness, the constant isolation and most of all the FEAR of exposing oneself completely (or close to that) to another. It makes me wonder how much we ‘distrust’ each other and ourselves, how separated we are. It is painful.  Even more painful, especially for those of us who have a natural tendency to be ‘connected’ to oneself and others. These are thoughts I’ve been sub-consciously contemplating since I read the exceptional book by Eckart Tolle (A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose). Since reading that book, to some extent I understand the reason why I had been walking through life in that familiar dream like ‘lost-ness’, forever wondering the reason for my underlying dissatisfaction. Now, it is as if the muddy lake that is my mind has settled to some extent letting me see some clarity and insight. Perhaps this is the dawn of the new beginning that I have been waiting for.

As it is...

Life has been somewhat quiet of late at work. The rest of the life outside of work still seem to be relatively full and filled with various chores and those things that one ‘has to’ to do. However, I’ve made it a point to have some ‘quiet time’ every so often whenever I can. My quiet times consist of doing nothing and just idling facing the outdoors. Sometimes, I am able to meditate or scribble thoughts in my journal. At other times, I just stare at the sky, the tree hoping; chirping birds and pines leaves that sway in the breeze. I love the view from the where I normally sit during ‘quiet times’. For me it is perfect, even though SJ complains that the trees shed too many leaves on to the drive-way. This weekend, we managed to plant the cherry-blossom tree in the garden. I love cherry blossom trees; in fact I’m infatuated with them. I hope it grows well and blossoms will overflow our garden. The thing with planting trees is that one has to be patient till it bears fruits or flowers. I realise I do not have ‘that’ much patience; but it is my goal to cultivate this virtue and I try every day. Well almost every day.

Speaking of cultivating habits, I’ve been trying to do a few of those. The past few months, due to work pressures I’ve been doing a lot of unconscious living. As a result, I was stressed, irritable, impatient and generally ignorant of how I was abusing my body and mind. Lately, I have been consciously trying to reverse those negative effects with healthy eating and being more active day to day.

With work also, I am trying to focus on what is important and not be pressured by other people’s priorities and worries. Recently I attended a very inspirational talk by one of my old professors from undergrad days. A lot of the things he said made sense, although the profound sayings he put on the overheads, I have failed to commit to memory. His talk which was called ‘innovation in action – tried and applied’ was very relevant for those of us who work in research.  The gist of it was how we should keep thinking about applications of what we study, so we can invent things that are innovative that are useful in this world. He gave numerous examples of how a study of wood fibre was applied in many different applications with astonishing results. It just went on to show how nothing is insignificant if you do it with passion! It appears that nothing else in life matters if you figure out what you are here to do. He described endless days he spent in the labs with his phd students back in the day, how they made the whole building vibrate with the noise of their pumps which were used in their experiments, how one container exploded and wood chips (the main raw material in their work) splattered the ceiling of the lab and how wood chips/pulp overflowed the entire senior lab. Did these mishaps stop him you think? No.  He went on to become the legend he is today and the rest of the department lovingly remember those by gone days.

After the talk I felt just so inspired, motivated and determined and happy to go on doing my own work even with all the ups and downs and road blocks. Remembering it certainly makes things clear. Nothing else matters, if you know what you are here to do. Perhaps, figuring it out might be the most difficult part but then if you listen to yourself hard enough, it may become progressively clear.....then clearer until you just know it within yourself.