Unsettled

A feeling of anxiety washes over me. There are butterflies in my stomach and I feel fuzzy around the edges. Focus is scattered when it is most critical that I focus on the tasks at hand. The uncertainty of the future seems formidable and it feels as though the path I must walk is only mine. No one can accompany me; I will be alone to face whatever life will throw as obstacles in my direction. The decision to be made scares me. It makes me rely on the unknown and my abilities (unknown to me). I’m like a blind person groping in the darkness and trying to sense whether it is safe to proceed in ‘this’ direction. At times like these, there is only ‘intuition’ I suppose…there is no safety blanket, no insurance policy if things go wrong, there is only self and the will. I hope I will find the courage to see clearly and most of all to believe.

Old things

There have been many attempts at writing some posts here. But each one, scribbled in haste or at times when my mind was not completely at peace stay in my make-do dog eared journal that used to be one of malli’s maths books with his scrawny hand writing on the front stating his name and the grade he was studying in. I kept it for its sentimental value. Yes, I like keeping old things. Everything from letters, gift cards, books, notes and emails that other people had sent me over the years. Till now, I have this gold coloured pen (with dried out ink) that my best friend at the time gave me as a parting gift in 1998. I happen to carry it around in my pencil case. I have no idea why. I just do. One of these days, I’m going to run out of space to keep things. But I don’t know how you can completely get rid of all your memories and the people that had been in your life. Detachment is something I should be working on this year. But every time I try I wonder whether I’m trying to be someone I’m not. But then again, life is an evolutionary process. I have a lot of evolving to be done.

Starting Over

I am trying to understand this gnawing restlessness inside me. It is an ocean wave that crashes against my insides at times. At other times it is merely a bubble of heaving froth that appears only to disappear instantly. Whatever the nature, it is always an undercurrent that lies low in the background. I’ve been trying to understand this feeling for a long time now. But nothing has come out of it. I have been a coward that has let the turmoil of the outside world scare me in to not searching deep within, I have let my patience run out. I have let life and its bitterness overwhelm me. I have forgotten that there is light inside.  I have let die with my spirit all that I once loved. All that I once dreamed of, I had let go of hope and deemed it nonexistent. It is the dawn of a New Year and my mind takes me back over the years and I realise there are really only two options. One is to go on living day after day, year after year, decade after decade until (God knows when) with this restlessness inside me OR to decide today to search and never stop searching that which will inspire and quench this ‘feeling’ inside me.  I have decided to go ahead and embrace the second option. This blog will be the documenting of my journey in search of that which will put me at peace with my soul once and for all. I hope those of you who will stumble across this space will find here something to relate to and hopefully thoughts to share.