At 5.30am

The horizon is empty of the beautiful pine trees that the neighbor decided to cut down. I wish they were still standing, so that I could admire their beauty as I always used to do. Though they are no more, I’m happy to have enjoyed their presence for the past two years since we’ve been in this home. Perhaps emptiness of the horizon will soon be forgotten as memories fade and new memories are created with life’s progression.

This morning I did something I always wanted to do. What I always wanted to do was to wake up at dawn and write and enjoy the view from my lounge. This is exactly what I am doing right now and it feels comforting and calmly delightful. Yesterday I had a moment of realisation. I realised that if I never give myself the time I need to do the things that I ‘always wanted to do’; then continuing such a life would be useless.  For the longest time, I’ve felt as if I’m ‘trapped’...and I used to think that ‘life’ had trapped me. Lately I’ve been thinking and decided that life has not trapped me...I had decided to trap and squeeze myself into a life I thought I ‘had’ to live for a never ending list of reasons I could never quite justify. As a result of this, I was forever dissatisfied and almost always woke up in the morning exhausted and depressed about having to face another day. There was this feeling of never being ready to face what will be next. This un-readiness, I thought was due to not having time like now to pick and choose what I really want to do.

Day is slowly breaking and the horizon is beginning to blush with the faintest shade of pink. I’m so glad that I made the effort to wake up at 5am, although it was extremely difficult for me. I think some type of sacrifice is necessary if I’m to give myself the gift of quiet time.  Come to think of it, how we live is a choice. I suppose, realising this and not feeling as if an unforeseen force is controlling your life is what we need to create the life we need. Also, lately I am conscious of the words I keep telling myself such as ‘I have to...’ and ‘I should...’.These ‘shoulds’ and ‘have-tos’ have a terrible affect on me. Hence, I deliberately have started thinking that I do not ‘have’ to do anything. Life is a choice. Everything I do I will choose to do. Let us see how I proceed with my new philosophy. Of course, I may stumble by the time I get to lunch time today and familiar adrenalin will start coursing through my blood as usual. I will feel panicked and helpless. BUT, I will remember this little gift I gave myself today and remind myself again that ‘life is a choice’.

The lost connection

Recent conversations with one or two friends have revealed that emotional connections are of great importance to us women. This realisation came to me as a bit of a relief as I thought I was a weirdo who seems to constantly go through life seeking for this non-existent ‘connection’. At last, I know it is normal but this does not mean that establishing or sustaining this connection becomes any easier. Though it appears that all humans need this deep sense of connection between each other, nowadays it tends to be purposely severed. Perhaps this is because of our modern culture, the independent-ness, the constant isolation and most of all the FEAR of exposing oneself completely (or close to that) to another. It makes me wonder how much we ‘distrust’ each other and ourselves, how separated we are. It is painful.  Even more painful, especially for those of us who have a natural tendency to be ‘connected’ to oneself and others. These are thoughts I’ve been sub-consciously contemplating since I read the exceptional book by Eckart Tolle (A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose). Since reading that book, to some extent I understand the reason why I had been walking through life in that familiar dream like ‘lost-ness’, forever wondering the reason for my underlying dissatisfaction. Now, it is as if the muddy lake that is my mind has settled to some extent letting me see some clarity and insight. Perhaps this is the dawn of the new beginning that I have been waiting for.

As it is...

Life has been somewhat quiet of late at work. The rest of the life outside of work still seem to be relatively full and filled with various chores and those things that one ‘has to’ to do. However, I’ve made it a point to have some ‘quiet time’ every so often whenever I can. My quiet times consist of doing nothing and just idling facing the outdoors. Sometimes, I am able to meditate or scribble thoughts in my journal. At other times, I just stare at the sky, the tree hoping; chirping birds and pines leaves that sway in the breeze. I love the view from the where I normally sit during ‘quiet times’. For me it is perfect, even though SJ complains that the trees shed too many leaves on to the drive-way. This weekend, we managed to plant the cherry-blossom tree in the garden. I love cherry blossom trees; in fact I’m infatuated with them. I hope it grows well and blossoms will overflow our garden. The thing with planting trees is that one has to be patient till it bears fruits or flowers. I realise I do not have ‘that’ much patience; but it is my goal to cultivate this virtue and I try every day. Well almost every day.

Speaking of cultivating habits, I’ve been trying to do a few of those. The past few months, due to work pressures I’ve been doing a lot of unconscious living. As a result, I was stressed, irritable, impatient and generally ignorant of how I was abusing my body and mind. Lately, I have been consciously trying to reverse those negative effects with healthy eating and being more active day to day.

With work also, I am trying to focus on what is important and not be pressured by other people’s priorities and worries. Recently I attended a very inspirational talk by one of my old professors from undergrad days. A lot of the things he said made sense, although the profound sayings he put on the overheads, I have failed to commit to memory. His talk which was called ‘innovation in action – tried and applied’ was very relevant for those of us who work in research.  The gist of it was how we should keep thinking about applications of what we study, so we can invent things that are innovative that are useful in this world. He gave numerous examples of how a study of wood fibre was applied in many different applications with astonishing results. It just went on to show how nothing is insignificant if you do it with passion! It appears that nothing else in life matters if you figure out what you are here to do. He described endless days he spent in the labs with his phd students back in the day, how they made the whole building vibrate with the noise of their pumps which were used in their experiments, how one container exploded and wood chips (the main raw material in their work) splattered the ceiling of the lab and how wood chips/pulp overflowed the entire senior lab. Did these mishaps stop him you think? No.  He went on to become the legend he is today and the rest of the department lovingly remember those by gone days.

After the talk I felt just so inspired, motivated and determined and happy to go on doing my own work even with all the ups and downs and road blocks. Remembering it certainly makes things clear. Nothing else matters, if you know what you are here to do. Perhaps, figuring it out might be the most difficult part but then if you listen to yourself hard enough, it may become progressively clear.....then clearer until you just know it within yourself.

Idle

Most days in the empty office, it feels as though I’m in between time..in between thoughts...in between two worlds ...in between memories...only momentarily slipping into reality to taste the bitterness of ‘un-productivity’. I have always been super slow...it makes me wonder how I move at all. Sometimes, I am unsure what needs to be done and feel stuck in the moment....in its emptiness with only a clock tower and a few far away buildings filling the stretch of my vision. The blue sky with scattered clouds is the best of all that I like. I feel so idle...and it feels kind comforting but the logical brain lets me know, that I must do something.

Lunch time episode

Went to the park and re-discovered the fountain. Fed crumbs to a sea gull, a pigeon and two other little birds that ‘looked’ suspiciously like ‘ge-kurullo’. The sea gull was the smartest because he left as soon as I closed the lunch box. Talked to a sales-rep who tried to sell me ‘kiwisaver’, thankfully he left after five minutes and I continued being just as I was. Pity I had to leave back to work, it was such a cozy spot.

Random thoughts

It is a fine winter day, crisp with blue skies with a dash of fine clouds. Just the way I like it. My office is quiet these days and I can even hear the distant whirl of a helicopter in the sky. Having a quiet office with no one else around is a bonus when you have to focus. But my most urgent work is done and dusted and I am back to a blank canvas, a beginning of a new milestone. As usual, I’m feeling a little lost and stupid and not quite knowing where to start. I feel somewhat restless although I have no particular recent to be. Lack of focus makes me feel that way. But I guess with time, I will get into it and make progress.

Yoga session yesterday was great. Once again, it is one thing I keep looking forward to each week. I marvel at the man that is my yoga teacher. Apparently, he lives miles away from the hustle and bustle of the city in the bush, in a caravan. Yes in a caravan, with no electricity and lives by candle light. He chooses this simplistic life over the materialistic lives we tend to create these days. I perceive him as a true yogi and the only one I am fortunate enough to know so far. He was apparently a part of a rock band once, before he decided to go the opposite direction. Such people truly inspire me and I respect them for they are brave to go against the natural stream we all seem to flow with. Such peace they must experience with their way of thinking, minimal worldly possessions and few attachments.

It is nearly the end of the week. Sometimes, the end of the week brings me more anxiety than the beginning of the week. It is because of the irregular nature of the weekend I think. Usually, unexpected things always happen and I am caught off guard. I like to think that I’m not a control freak. Actually I’m not. But I have this condition where I always want to know ‘what is going to happen’....otherwise when things come up, I get excited and agitated. This is life isn’t it? We have to be flexible and adaptable. It is a concept that I’m still struggling with. Life cannot always be planned...especially when people and circumstances are unpredictable. Maybe that is the beauty of life....it’s time I came to terms with it.

Anticlimax

It is the end of a milestone at work. Sadly it is a bit of an anticlimax with the return of the ‘project manager’ who drove me over the edge to blow up and speak up. Anyway it was over and I survived without embarrassingly shedding any tears which usually happens when I am overcome with frustration and anger. Anyhow, thanks to this particular person, the satisfaction I had with work, the rare focus I amazingly mustered, the drive and motivation soon disappeared. It is a bit of a sad situation because I have mentally given up when I know I shouldn’t have especially when there is so much more other work to be done. But it is just one of those days that I want to blend into the background noise of life and forget myself without focusing my entire energy on something only to find it not worth the effort. Maybe tomorrow I will pick up the pieces and move on....tomorrow will be a better day because I would have had a yoga session tonight to drive away all meaningless frustrations out of my mind. Yes, it will be good.