An excerpt from my journal, written on one melancholy winter's night. "Sometimes the truth is glaringly clear. It cannot get clearer than this, for it comes to you in your precious solitary moments. The truth is that we have no one else but ourselves to depend on. The truth is harsh, but it’s the truth. There really isn't anyone else who can heal our souls. This knowledge goes against our inner most desires -the desire to have another person that can save us. The truth is that no one hears us, no one sees us. Maybe there are a few. But they are few and far between. All my life I’ve waited to be saved from my own agony. Over the years I’ve realised that there is no escape. We must live with our anguish and learn to transform it because that’s the only way. The longer we live without learning this, the longer it hurts. And I’m tired of hurting."

Learning by living

Life has gotten out of control. The stories in my head have taken a life of their own. It’s time to write things down for the stories in my head are threatening to burst forth. For me, weekdays are like a battle ground. Getting out the door with a toddler in tow is the biggest accomplishment in a day for me. If I manage to get out the door without a racing pulse and a calm and collected baby who has been fed breakfast while sitting in one place - it is an exceptional day and I would feel like I’m on top of the world. But such days do not exist and I’m a person hardly in control of my own life. But there is one constant force in my life to give me much relief and that is my mother. Without my mother, I will not be who I am today and to realise this (I am ashamed to say) I had to become a mother myself. Every day that passes by now, I'm grateful for her for all her struggles and tears that we did not see. I can finally understand and ‘see’ her for who she truly is and has been for us. I can finally see where it is that she is giving from and with what intention and at what cost. All my life, I had taken my mother for granted for she has been a constant fountain of ‘giving’ and strength that was difficult to understand and get along with for her pain was always in the way of us becoming friends. Even in science when something is a constant, we tend to ignore it (with much relief) for we can count on it for not screwing us up by being a variable that behaves in unexpected ways. But to consider for a moment what it takes for a person to be a constant under all circumstances? That is humbling for what it takes is intentional self-sacrifice. It only took me 3 decades of life to figure this out. It’s unfortunate that we need to have to go through what another goes through to truly understand and know them at the most fundamental level. This makes me feel somewhat sad to know that our Sons will never truly understand us. A woman’s pain will only be her own to share with her own kind (in time); it will never precisely be known by men, especially men who matter to us the most and whose understanding of our pain mean everything to our emotional well-being. It makes me think that perhaps, nature is not perfect after all. Nothing is perfect.

Sometimes I find it difficult to get through a day. I feel not enough……I feel unappreciated… Stretched beyond my stretch- ability... Worn…Torn... Even broken.

There is an ache inside of me, deep inside. No matter how hard I try to put my finger on it, I can’t. I can’t locate the pain or the precise reason. I try to be okay with it. I try to sit with it. To do some work with it. I try to walk with it and try to let the autumn breeze and a stranger’s smile soothe it. But none of it works. The ache remains. I meet people, I talk to them. I smile and even manage to laugh at a joke and momentarily forget it. I manage to concentrate and get through some tasks that need to be done. But the ache persists…..I feel helpless. I want to stop it, I wish it didn’t exist.  But I realise that this ache is destined to stay with me forever. It feels that way. It is an ache that cannot be soothed for it is impossible to erase what causes me this ingrained pain. Well, at least not in this life time.  

After as much trying I can muster for today, I return to my desk to try to write my ache away.  By chance I reach into my jacket pocket and pull out an unexpected object – a blue, green and white striped tiny little sock : an achingly sweet reminder of my precious son with his boundless joy and energy and effortless love of THIS life. I lay the little sock in front of my key board and start to type. This little sock is my anchor to the best thing in my life right now.  It reminds me why I must live - and live happily.

All I really want

I want to be able to create something. Anything. I want to reach somebody inside their mind, in their heart and feel a connection. I want to be able to look at the world with a sparkle in my eye. I want all my smiles to reach my eyes. I want to be heard. Truly heard. I want to be handled with care and tenderness. I want to have conversations with no words but with expressions.  I want to write down every whimsical thing I feel. I want to be seen for who I am and not be affected by what you think. I want to know that another person is just like me. Vulnerable. Shy. A little confused. A little lonely. A little crazy. A little too sane and a little too critical.  I want to never forget the playfulness that I once had. I want to love life. I want to spread love. I want to be remembered. I want to be inspired. I want to inspire. I want to help somebody. Anybody. I want to make this world a little better. I want to laugh till my sides hurt. I want to be loved till I feel like I might cry. I want to have hope. I want to be a hero in my Son’s eyes and even if I fail in all I do, I want him to know that I loved him best.

My Darling Son

http://words-in-verse.blogspot.co.nz/2013/11/my-darling-son.html

Thoughts on Motherhood

The little life growing inside me is constantly moving around at 31 weeks. These movements literally feel like butterflies in my stomach. I feel the overwhelming need to write about him or her but words fail me and I’m often left with unfinished sentences that trail off into thoughts that cannot be put into words.  I did not expect motherhood to come knocking into my life so fast…then again I know not what I think because I often think myself into endless confusion. In another 7-9 weeks, I will get to see his or her face for the first time. I wonder what it will be like… I wonder what I will feel for that little person for they say it’s an indescribable feeling - the love you feel for a child born of your own flesh and blood. I wonder whether it would hit me hard with a lot of force or come quietly in the night while I sleep and settle un-announced in my heart. 

Apart from these, I feel a whole range of emotions. My body is no longer the one I knew for the last 28 years – the changes that have taken place are only a testimony to the miracles of nature and I’m yet to see the biggest miracle of all – how I will get through bringing another human being to this world. Right now when I think about it, it feels unimaginable – even scary, yet at other times, it feels like the most natural next step.  Naturally, there is an element of anxiety and a fear of the unknown. Despite all of this, I want to believe that everything will be fine. I know that my life is about to change drastically and I wonder who I will find myself to be on the other side of this process - Not just at the end of giving birth but in becoming a Mother….

This is only a glimpse into a minute fraction of the thoughts I feel right now. As for the rest of the emotions I want to express - I can only wish that words would come to me.

Transition to 2013

Another year has arrived and has begun to progress as all the years that have been before. For me, 2012 came to an end in a mindful and relaxed way which I’m grateful for. For the first time in a long time, I felt ready to start afresh without feeling torn and agitated with much mental noise crowding my mind. It was not that last year was any different, though of course it was in many ways life changing for me – it was just that I gave myself the permission to enjoy the type of quiet pleasures that I always enjoyed: walks on the beach with the dogs, long drives on hot summer days that ended up at the beach to pick a perfect shell or two (or a lot), quiet conversations and inklings of inspirations that made me want to create something that I just couldn’t put my finger on, day dreams that flitted across my mind and plenty of quiet moments at home....and most of all, a sense of peace that briefly came to me as we welcomed the New Year at the temple with some friends all made it perfect. For once on New Year’s Eve, I didn’t feel lost, for 2013 looked promising and full of hope with new beginnings.