There used to be a need to love – almost a frantic need. Then there was an even more anxious need to be loved. Now, there is very little of that and sometimes thoughts of being cold-hearted come up in the mind. Lately, life feels almost neutral with not too much excitement. There is a sense of being here and just observing what is going on without needing to play a role. It is easier to be detached. It is a relief to be detached even from the need to fix all that appears to be ‘wrong’ or grab hold of what is ‘fleeting’. There is the habit of judging each day to see if there was anything useful and valuable done. The mind is always looking for problems and pointing out areas of ‘lack’. It’s tempting to go along with the mind’s chatter but there is a certain resolve to not. It feels different to be this way for it was second nature to be always so attached to something – fantasies, ideas, people, dreams and things. For once it is quite clear that it does not matter what I do in this life. It truly does not matter because everything is just changing scenery that we call life. Since nothing at all matters, then perhaps what matters is to be free. 

Moment

Suddenly there was freedom. Looking at the world through the window of the car before getting out for work, I was paralysed by the aliveness of life for a moment - unspoilt by the chatter of the mind. The sky was a perfect blue with scattered clouds whispering of heavens. Birds sang of the glory of summer. The tree leaves danced ecstatic in the gentle breeze. In the distance, buses and cars went by as if in slow motion, one or two persons walked on by and there was spaciousness all around in the parking lot.  Memories of childhood arose, where the world was alive just like this and there were no stories inside my head. 

'Showing up'

So I’m trying to ‘show-up’ in every area of my life. I promised this myself after reading that post by James Altucher. I even bought his book after reading that article. I guess I really like this guy. I can’t wait to read it now. Sometimes it’s hard to keep doing what I need to be doing. Most of the time, I stray off the path - overwhelmed. Sometimes I find myself being pushed around by life - like an autumn leaf blowing in a gust of wind. I want to stop feeling that sense of powerlessness.

From the soul searching/you-tubing/reading/listening I’ve done as of late I think I’m on the right track. I just need to know how to deflect the noise of the world sometimes. The noise of the world is everything that goes against the Truth that I know for myself. It’s kind of hard to be different. It takes some courage – but it sure feels good. I’m getting the hang of saying what I feel more and more now. Before, I used to keep quiet and people started to take actions and make decisions that affected me. This was only natural; it’s just that I was ‘sleeping’.  This waking up process has been interesting because I’m always finding out ways of getting across to another person in a more compassionate way.  I hate to hurt feelings because I know how that feels. Sometimes this means being silent.  Sometimes it means being firm but calm, not emotional. Those who know me well know that I am an emotional addict. Well, now I’m rehabilitating myself. That is my New Year’s resolution.

It has really been a good year. I can’t believe I’m saying this because of the incredible pain I went through this year. The pain has been my teacher. The pain was necessary for me to be here right now and I’m grateful. From this place of now, my heart is more open. The imaginary separations I had created in the mind have started to come loose. I can see a little more clearly. I see the beauty all around me. I see myself in those I thought were ‘others’. I am no longer afraid of the pain that I often feel inside of myself. I try to walk towards it and find a little piece of the puzzle of who I am come together every time I do that. That’s my reward for walking towards pain. Whoever you are, who have stumbled upon this post - perhaps you could also try walking towards your pain. I promise you that it will be worth it. Then maybe one day we may recognise each other in each other. When that day comes, the world may be a little more close to how we all dream it would be. 

Note to self

A poem by the great poet Tagore which has special meaning for me at this point in time.

  The Grasp of Your Hand 

 Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. 
 Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but the heart to conquer it.
 Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom. 
 Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling Your mercy in my success alone;
Let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure.

Being REAL

For once I overcame the fear of doing what I ‘should’ be doing and did what my heart told me to do. For once I overcame the need to be socially correct and please everyone and put on a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was hide in a corner and feel the rawness in my heart. For once I expressed myself and did not give excuses, simply said what it is that matter to me. It felt good. For once my heart told me – ‘you listened’. This experience tells me how negligent I have been in being kind to myself. How long have I let my most essential self (my being) be unheard, unseen and unappreciated by me? It is meaningful to me that I was born on the day that is now referred to as the peace day. It’s meaningful to me because I believe in peace and I have always tried to find peace in my heart. Only lately I’m finding the courage to act on it because it means I need to break habits, displease people – most of all, it means being disapproved and not quite making people comfortable with my views and opinions. But, I have come to that point in life where I either embrace myself or kill myself (metaphorically of course). From this point onwards, I refuse to linger in the grey area of life for I have always longed to embrace the intricacies of my inner self and live life from a deep place. It was just that I was waiting for someone to give me permission, someone to say ‘It’s okay, be yourself, we still accept you”. At least now I know the problem. I am the problem. I get in my own way. How stupid is that. Ok let me stop with the self-criticism and just work on self-acceptance. Hopefully self-acceptance does not take another decade to achieve because I’m a bit slow – self ‘realisation’ took 30 years! Isn’t it true that first we need to create peace inside before we achieve world peace? This peace day, I make a promise to myself to be true, first to me and then to the world. Here’s to me – the real one that lost the away.

Ordinary Miracles

Even though it is a Monday, today feels just right for some reason. It’s funny how I can’t quite pin-point what it is that makes this day more agreeable to me. It must be the extra effort I put into folding up the three-week old laundry that was sitting around at 11.30pm last night. Why do unarranged laundry and dishes get to me so much? It must be how I perceive it as incompetence on my part. Perhaps it’s because Devan is a walking talking comedian now. He makes me laugh in incredible ways. Like when I’m putting him to bed and sing a lullaby he ends up trying to imitate me on the word ‘Putha’ (Son) and giggles. The way he runs around the house like someone is about to light the house on fire, his love of spoons, keys and cars; I mean all objects containing round things that look like wheels. The way his vocabulary is expanding though everything sounds the same like ‘Ba’ for bath and bus and button. The way he puts up a tantrum when the keys and spoons get confiscated and tries to make it an Oscar winning performance. When we drive off together in the morning, how he sings self-composed lyrics like ‘car-car, ba-ba’ in varying tones. Best of all how he knows to smile when I tell him that I love him. Although life is not perfect, life is good and full of ordinary miracles and I feel more than grateful. I feel humbled.

An excerpt from my journal, written on one melancholy winter's night. "Sometimes the truth is glaringly clear. It cannot get clearer than this, for it comes to you in your precious solitary moments. The truth is that we have no one else but ourselves to depend on. The truth is harsh, but it’s the truth. There really isn't anyone else who can heal our souls. This knowledge goes against our inner most desires -the desire to have another person that can save us. The truth is that no one hears us, no one sees us. Maybe there are a few. But they are few and far between. All my life I’ve waited to be saved from my own agony. Over the years I’ve realised that there is no escape. We must live with our anguish and learn to transform it because that’s the only way. The longer we live without learning this, the longer it hurts. And I’m tired of hurting."