Afterthoughts

Lately, I have been feeling incompetent at doing most things. Cooking, cleaning, writing, working, keeping in touch, living; all these things seem to be done half-heartedly. I feel as if hard work done with immaculate care is useless at the end of the day. There is no appreciation and the sense self satisfaction is only fleeting. Sometimes life feels stagnant like this. Sometimes, although dreams feel as if they are within reach, they remain distant. Excitements come and go as soon as reality settles around you. I wait..to hear a word from that someone. But no word comes. Then there is that hopelessness, as if nothing else matters. I don’t know why I’ve let myself feel this way. I think it must be that ingrained need. Need to be understood. Cared for and more. I don’t know why I am a fool...so fickle, stupidly sentimental and sensitive. Sometimes, I wish I was different. I keep wondering what it would be like to see with my own eyes. But I feel scared, what if I discover it all a mere fantasy? I don’t know why I wonder about useless things. I want to free my little boat. I want to sail far away from that which keeps me waiting, even unconsciously. I should be more guarded, I know. Mother had told me this long ago. It hasn’t been my nature to be so. So it is hard and I feel stranded.

But, life is not all bad I suppose. There are moments that I really smile or laugh even. I try to hold on to those moments, hoping that they will last just a little bit longer. Ajahan Brahm said that whenever we try to hold on to moments of happiness, they cease to exist. I think there is truth in that.