The end of a week

Life had given me some wonderful moments during the past few weeks. With work, things worked out in terms of what I wanted. Now I just have to remember not to let work drive me into a state of frustration and depression. My chosen field of work being research, I’m constantly feeling stupid. But apparently, feeling stupid is essential for research. Anyway, letting it go unchecked, I can seriously damage the balance of my life. So, I must stick to some kind of plan or be prepared to lose the whole bigger picture. Day by day, I understand the importance of enjoying life – even if it is a few moments at a time.

Last week, it was going to that place where we loved to go, all those years ago. Sitting down on the grass strewn with twigs, the wind blowing in my hair, sharing a meal with SJ was wonderful. It reminded me of all those times and reasons why I was happy once. It also reminded me that I didn’t have to give up just yet. Then the wonderful dhamma talk afterwards and the meditation session just made the most perfect end to the week.

Making progress - one tiny step at a time

Time is draining, like quicksand through one of those little hour-glasses that come with some board games. Really, there is this urgency to do. To do all that needs to be done. The list goes on as time runs out. I keep thinking each day that I’ll finish off this tonight or I’ll read that chapter in the morning, I keep telling myself that I will FOCUS today. But each day is the same. The day ends and I am left disappointed. At 9pm I am exhausted. I wonder, where is my motivation, stamina, determination and persistence? All those ingredients that one needs to get through this LIFE. I remember I used to have it. I used to be able to get through anything. Now, I find myself looking for that ‘easy way out’....and I am appalled. I look around me and the self doubts set in. All those words forcefully stashed away somewhere in my brain, come crashing back. Energy is like time. I feel like I have lost so much of it. Then whenever I go ‘home’, I remember why...and how I’ve lost it. It’s that natural tendency to be negative, what I can do? It’s in my genes. See, how I make excuses. Unbelievable! So I will keep telling myself that mantra, ‘I am making progress’ – though it maybe tiny little sluggish steps, they still count. I must remember that.

Denzel sleeps looking peaceful, curled up on the other side of the bed. The night is still – there is no breeze tonight. The crickets have taken a break from their incessant ‘music’ making, only to begin again before I could even finish this sentence. A dog barks far away and a door slams somewhere. Reality is sharp, clear and straight forward. It is peaceful. The sounds of the night: merely a symphony of nature.

The warm bath did wonders from my bad mood while relieving the taut muscles in my body. As I watched the foamy bubbles depress into the warm water while the candle light flickered shadows on the wall, the burdens of my day slowly relieved themselves from my shoulders.

It was good to come home to Laila and Denzel after leaving them alone at home last night. Having pets is so much like having your own kids...to some extent. When you leave them, you wonder whether they ate or whether they came home when it fell dark or whether they feel lonely without you.

Lately, the 'lows' have been persistent. I know it is not only ‘work’. I've been missing my quiet moments. The moments that I need to make sense of everything around me. So I've been feeling disoriented and lost. This is an attempt to re-adjust my world. I should make time for more of this. That is a note to self.

The plan to see clearly

Nowadays, the days are warm and the nights are sticky with the trapped heat of the day. The evening breeze rarely blows inside the house now.  So I sat outside on the deck last evening reading ‘the arranged marriage’. Yesterday I decided to read one book a week. Today everything has changed again. I made a plan in a piece of paper, of all the things that should be accomplished in the coming few years. It was scary to think that ahead, in that much detail. But the good thing is it seemed somehow 'possible'. I have to believe that all 'that' is possible. I think the main thing I lack is 'self belief'. For times like these, I've kept a piece of paper printed with bold letters, stuck firmly to my bulletin board. It says:

“Each decision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days...what you can do or think you can do begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power and Genius in it"

I don't know since when I started to be fearful of 'plans'. I can't recall any grand plans I have ever had that were destroyed and left me devastated. It just occurs to me that I’m unconsciously thinking of life as a plan gone wrong. I don’t know where I get these things into my head. My world is colored by too many emotions, people and the past. I must learn to see clearly. That will be a good start for now.

Afterthoughts

Lately, I have been feeling incompetent at doing most things. Cooking, cleaning, writing, working, keeping in touch, living; all these things seem to be done half-heartedly. I feel as if hard work done with immaculate care is useless at the end of the day. There is no appreciation and the sense self satisfaction is only fleeting. Sometimes life feels stagnant like this. Sometimes, although dreams feel as if they are within reach, they remain distant. Excitements come and go as soon as reality settles around you. I wait..to hear a word from that someone. But no word comes. Then there is that hopelessness, as if nothing else matters. I don’t know why I’ve let myself feel this way. I think it must be that ingrained need. Need to be understood. Cared for and more. I don’t know why I am a fool...so fickle, stupidly sentimental and sensitive. Sometimes, I wish I was different. I keep wondering what it would be like to see with my own eyes. But I feel scared, what if I discover it all a mere fantasy? I don’t know why I wonder about useless things. I want to free my little boat. I want to sail far away from that which keeps me waiting, even unconsciously. I should be more guarded, I know. Mother had told me this long ago. It hasn’t been my nature to be so. So it is hard and I feel stranded.

But, life is not all bad I suppose. There are moments that I really smile or laugh even. I try to hold on to those moments, hoping that they will last just a little bit longer. Ajahan Brahm said that whenever we try to hold on to moments of happiness, they cease to exist. I think there is truth in that.

Unsettled

A feeling of anxiety washes over me. There are butterflies in my stomach and I feel fuzzy around the edges. Focus is scattered when it is most critical that I focus on the tasks at hand. The uncertainty of the future seems formidable and it feels as though the path I must walk is only mine. No one can accompany me; I will be alone to face whatever life will throw as obstacles in my direction. The decision to be made scares me. It makes me rely on the unknown and my abilities (unknown to me). I’m like a blind person groping in the darkness and trying to sense whether it is safe to proceed in ‘this’ direction. At times like these, there is only ‘intuition’ I suppose…there is no safety blanket, no insurance policy if things go wrong, there is only self and the will. I hope I will find the courage to see clearly and most of all to believe.

Old things

There have been many attempts at writing some posts here. But each one, scribbled in haste or at times when my mind was not completely at peace stay in my make-do dog eared journal that used to be one of malli’s maths books with his scrawny hand writing on the front stating his name and the grade he was studying in. I kept it for its sentimental value. Yes, I like keeping old things. Everything from letters, gift cards, books, notes and emails that other people had sent me over the years. Till now, I have this gold coloured pen (with dried out ink) that my best friend at the time gave me as a parting gift in 1998. I happen to carry it around in my pencil case. I have no idea why. I just do. One of these days, I’m going to run out of space to keep things. But I don’t know how you can completely get rid of all your memories and the people that had been in your life. Detachment is something I should be working on this year. But every time I try I wonder whether I’m trying to be someone I’m not. But then again, life is an evolutionary process. I have a lot of evolving to be done.