Random thoughts

It is a fine winter day, crisp with blue skies with a dash of fine clouds. Just the way I like it. My office is quiet these days and I can even hear the distant whirl of a helicopter in the sky. Having a quiet office with no one else around is a bonus when you have to focus. But my most urgent work is done and dusted and I am back to a blank canvas, a beginning of a new milestone. As usual, I’m feeling a little lost and stupid and not quite knowing where to start. I feel somewhat restless although I have no particular recent to be. Lack of focus makes me feel that way. But I guess with time, I will get into it and make progress.

Yoga session yesterday was great. Once again, it is one thing I keep looking forward to each week. I marvel at the man that is my yoga teacher. Apparently, he lives miles away from the hustle and bustle of the city in the bush, in a caravan. Yes in a caravan, with no electricity and lives by candle light. He chooses this simplistic life over the materialistic lives we tend to create these days. I perceive him as a true yogi and the only one I am fortunate enough to know so far. He was apparently a part of a rock band once, before he decided to go the opposite direction. Such people truly inspire me and I respect them for they are brave to go against the natural stream we all seem to flow with. Such peace they must experience with their way of thinking, minimal worldly possessions and few attachments.

It is nearly the end of the week. Sometimes, the end of the week brings me more anxiety than the beginning of the week. It is because of the irregular nature of the weekend I think. Usually, unexpected things always happen and I am caught off guard. I like to think that I’m not a control freak. Actually I’m not. But I have this condition where I always want to know ‘what is going to happen’....otherwise when things come up, I get excited and agitated. This is life isn’t it? We have to be flexible and adaptable. It is a concept that I’m still struggling with. Life cannot always be planned...especially when people and circumstances are unpredictable. Maybe that is the beauty of life....it’s time I came to terms with it.

Anticlimax

It is the end of a milestone at work. Sadly it is a bit of an anticlimax with the return of the ‘project manager’ who drove me over the edge to blow up and speak up. Anyway it was over and I survived without embarrassingly shedding any tears which usually happens when I am overcome with frustration and anger. Anyhow, thanks to this particular person, the satisfaction I had with work, the rare focus I amazingly mustered, the drive and motivation soon disappeared. It is a bit of a sad situation because I have mentally given up when I know I shouldn’t have especially when there is so much more other work to be done. But it is just one of those days that I want to blend into the background noise of life and forget myself without focusing my entire energy on something only to find it not worth the effort. Maybe tomorrow I will pick up the pieces and move on....tomorrow will be a better day because I would have had a yoga session tonight to drive away all meaningless frustrations out of my mind. Yes, it will be good.

A walk to remember

I sit on a moss covered rock, dampened by the flowing stream frothing and gurgling all around and about me.  We drink the warm tea out of the green old flask that we never normally use and share the hastily made ham sandwiches with marmite (yes, a weird combination indeed). I look up at the sky and the drizzling rain drops fall on my face. Looking around I absorb the different shades of green, the rocks polished smooth by the flowing clear water, boulders rising jagged and proud from the depths of the stream . The rushing water makes that special kind of music that makes you want to close your eyes and listen for the rest of your life. Nature, flaunts her raw beauty in her own hidden territory unseen by the world. Being here makes me incredibly happy. Whoever thought sitting in the rain in the middle of a stream, amidst acres and acres of forest, with no cell phone reception would be so delightful?

The end of a week

Life had given me some wonderful moments during the past few weeks. With work, things worked out in terms of what I wanted. Now I just have to remember not to let work drive me into a state of frustration and depression. My chosen field of work being research, I’m constantly feeling stupid. But apparently, feeling stupid is essential for research. Anyway, letting it go unchecked, I can seriously damage the balance of my life. So, I must stick to some kind of plan or be prepared to lose the whole bigger picture. Day by day, I understand the importance of enjoying life – even if it is a few moments at a time.

Last week, it was going to that place where we loved to go, all those years ago. Sitting down on the grass strewn with twigs, the wind blowing in my hair, sharing a meal with SJ was wonderful. It reminded me of all those times and reasons why I was happy once. It also reminded me that I didn’t have to give up just yet. Then the wonderful dhamma talk afterwards and the meditation session just made the most perfect end to the week.

Making progress - one tiny step at a time

Time is draining, like quicksand through one of those little hour-glasses that come with some board games. Really, there is this urgency to do. To do all that needs to be done. The list goes on as time runs out. I keep thinking each day that I’ll finish off this tonight or I’ll read that chapter in the morning, I keep telling myself that I will FOCUS today. But each day is the same. The day ends and I am left disappointed. At 9pm I am exhausted. I wonder, where is my motivation, stamina, determination and persistence? All those ingredients that one needs to get through this LIFE. I remember I used to have it. I used to be able to get through anything. Now, I find myself looking for that ‘easy way out’....and I am appalled. I look around me and the self doubts set in. All those words forcefully stashed away somewhere in my brain, come crashing back. Energy is like time. I feel like I have lost so much of it. Then whenever I go ‘home’, I remember why...and how I’ve lost it. It’s that natural tendency to be negative, what I can do? It’s in my genes. See, how I make excuses. Unbelievable! So I will keep telling myself that mantra, ‘I am making progress’ – though it maybe tiny little sluggish steps, they still count. I must remember that.

Denzel sleeps looking peaceful, curled up on the other side of the bed. The night is still – there is no breeze tonight. The crickets have taken a break from their incessant ‘music’ making, only to begin again before I could even finish this sentence. A dog barks far away and a door slams somewhere. Reality is sharp, clear and straight forward. It is peaceful. The sounds of the night: merely a symphony of nature.

The warm bath did wonders from my bad mood while relieving the taut muscles in my body. As I watched the foamy bubbles depress into the warm water while the candle light flickered shadows on the wall, the burdens of my day slowly relieved themselves from my shoulders.

It was good to come home to Laila and Denzel after leaving them alone at home last night. Having pets is so much like having your own kids...to some extent. When you leave them, you wonder whether they ate or whether they came home when it fell dark or whether they feel lonely without you.

Lately, the 'lows' have been persistent. I know it is not only ‘work’. I've been missing my quiet moments. The moments that I need to make sense of everything around me. So I've been feeling disoriented and lost. This is an attempt to re-adjust my world. I should make time for more of this. That is a note to self.

The plan to see clearly

Nowadays, the days are warm and the nights are sticky with the trapped heat of the day. The evening breeze rarely blows inside the house now.  So I sat outside on the deck last evening reading ‘the arranged marriage’. Yesterday I decided to read one book a week. Today everything has changed again. I made a plan in a piece of paper, of all the things that should be accomplished in the coming few years. It was scary to think that ahead, in that much detail. But the good thing is it seemed somehow 'possible'. I have to believe that all 'that' is possible. I think the main thing I lack is 'self belief'. For times like these, I've kept a piece of paper printed with bold letters, stuck firmly to my bulletin board. It says:

“Each decision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days...what you can do or think you can do begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power and Genius in it"

I don't know since when I started to be fearful of 'plans'. I can't recall any grand plans I have ever had that were destroyed and left me devastated. It just occurs to me that I’m unconsciously thinking of life as a plan gone wrong. I don’t know where I get these things into my head. My world is colored by too many emotions, people and the past. I must learn to see clearly. That will be a good start for now.